Have you ever dated someone who was so horrible that it caused you rebound with safest choice possible? This logic was what led me to start a relationship and almost marry a man who I wasn’t in love with. There were signs from the start that he wasn’t the one for me, but it took a while before I accepted that I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life by marrying the wrong person.
How I Knew:
1. It Wasn’t Easy, and It Wasn’t Worth It
Things with the safe guy were never easy. From the start we were not compatible. Not to mention that I started the relationship having to talk myself into being with him. I told myself that “I needed to give the good guy a chance.” I overlooked that there weren’t any sparks on my end.
After all, what if I completely dismissed my safe option and ended up alone with just my imaginary cats? I also liked knowing that I could never genuinely be hurt with the safe guy due to my indifference.
2. I Loved Him But I Wasn’t “In-Love” With Him
I won’t act as if I spent 3 years with safe guy and never developed any kind of feelings. I’m a creature of comfort and after a while he became like my favorite night-shirt, never to be thrown away (no matter how many holes or permanent stains it may acquire). I like being comfortable, a lot.
So when safe guy asked me to marry him I thought, “Sure, I can do this.” I vividly remember really connecting with the Tina Turner song, “What’s Love Got To Do With It” on a deep level at this point in my life. I looked around and I didn’t see many married couples who were both in-love and happy. So I figured that those types of marriages were not realistic for everyone.
3. “Nope.” -God
Almost too late, I started praying for direction on my upcoming marriage. I wasn’t as committed to my faith back then as I am now. Asking God for direction before every big decision wasn’t something that pre-Jesus Gabbi always did. But when did I pray on my upcoming nuptials, God answered with many firm “No’s”. Things got bad with me and safe guy at the end. There was constant arguing and his temper became violent.
I also learned that we had fundamental differences about life choices such as him wanting to have kids right away (to lock me down) and me wanting to perhaps never have kids (especially his).
God was giving me every red flag I needed to end the relationship before I took my vows.
4. It Was Unhealthy
Our relationship began in a very unhealthy way. I mentioned before that I did not feel any sparks on my end and on top of that we had nothing in common. He liked Anime. I liked everything else. So one night early on I tried to end things over a meal at Red Lobster (the opposite of why you’re supposed to take your man to Red Lobster). And I also told him of my plans to give things with my ex another chance. I wasn’t trying to seriously pursue things seriously with my ex because he was a horrible person on the inside but I was going to be seeing him again and I didn’t want to lie about it.
Karma is real so I wanted the safe guy to know upfront what was going on. But…he started crying at the dinner table and I was embarrassed and trying to act like it was normal in front of our waitress and I eventually just gave up and said that we could keep going out if he wanted to. But I informed him that I was still going to see my ex as well. Horrible way to start a relationship, right?
I know this sounds bad. Again, this was pre-Jesus Gabbi (#dontjudgeme). I should have ended it that day at Red Lobster despite the tears.
Towards the end, safe guy and I were still building on that unhealthy foundation. I’m sure safe guy felt my distance and it was probably one of the reasons why he started acting out. I used to just think he was crazy. But now I wonder if his irrational behavior towards the end of our relationship was due to his frustration about my lack of passion. I believe he liked the constant arguing because at those moments I at showed that I at least cared about winning the argument.
Now that I’m married to someone who I’ve argued with exactly twice since our wedding day, I realize how miserable I would have been had I ended up with (not so) safe guy. All of that arguing is not normal.
5. I Didn’t Do Any Wedding Planning
My faithful blog readers know that my wedding-planning game was on point. When my now-husband asked me to marry him, I had most of the big plans laid out within a month. I was locking that down and no one was gonna stop me!
This wasn’t the case for my engagement with safe guy. I would think about the marrying him and the wedding and having to spend the rest of my life with him and I would just get really tired. I bought a wedding planning binder at Barnes and Noble. That was the extent of my wedding-planning then.
6. I Didn’t Cry When We Broke Up
Not only did I not cry when I ended things with safe guy, but I also felt really happy and relieved. It was as if I could breath again. No more arguing, no more being around someone I truly despised by that point. I had my freedom again and it was sublime.
About a month after the breakup I thought that I might be heartless (because he sent me a text saying that the song “Heartless” by Kanye was about me). So one night I played a country song in my car driving with the windows down and with the wind blowing through my hair for extra dramatization, and I forced a few tears out for good will. It was a really sad song. That was all the closure I needed.
I realize how problematic my lack of tears was now because I’m reduced to infancy when I even have a heated debate with my now-husband.
Looking back, all the reasons that I’ve given for almost marrying the wrong person stemmed from a bigger issue – my willingness to settle for a love that was much less than what I deserved. I thank God that I finally paid attention to the signs and ended things when I did. After all, if I had stayed in a relationship that was so visibly wrong and married the wrong person, I would have never ended up with my soul mate (yes, I believe in those…”they DO exist“).